The setting: The Ritz. Mid-afternoon. Your boy Cousin L scopes out a megafox and closes in. I'm feeling good, looking good. I roll up to the babe in question and smile charmingly, lower my voice a few registers and ask if there's anything I can do for her. She laughs in my face, rolls her eyes and says "no, I don't think so," then struts off all empowered and smug.
Aaaaaand scene.
What the hell was that? You'd think I called her toots and tried to rub my crotch all over her, I was just trying to do my job. I can only guess she's shopped here before and was "helped" by Balki, and so her guard is naturally up for sexual predators in disguise as helpful sales clerks.
Anyway the fox leaves just as Balki comes running in from his lunch break declaring that it was the best day of his life, because today he fell in love.
Saddle up pardners, this one's not going to end well.
So he's taking an American History class, which - in all fairness - good for him, right? And since he's Balki, he's been using this class to perv pretty intensely on a woman named Carol Mosley, who sits on the other side of class. Carol's been cold to Balki all this time, most certainly because she can feel him glaring at her from a dark corner of the classroom like a cartoon wolf with his tongue hanging out. But the teacher put them together on a project, and Balki said she "started opening up like a little flower." That's a pretty specific metaphor. Did Balki have sex in the middle of his Adult Ed American History class?
So they went to lunch today to talk about their upcoming term paper, and she apparently told Balki she's into him. We harmonized a pretty frigging flawless session of "When you Wish Upon a Star" together and hugged. This seemed like it could be good for me. I'm in debt to anyone willing to take the turnip off my hands for any stretch of time, and if this ends up being the real thing I might be rid of him for good eventually.
Balki asked if it was okay if Carol came over to study that night and I was like sure, whatever she wants, she can use my toothbrush for all I care. I'll just say "what's up" and peace out of there so he could put the moves on. Also my curiosity was getting the better of me. What exactly was going to be Carol's "deal," you know? Was she even a human? I didn't care.
So it's later that night. Balki's prepping the apartment for his date. He had prepared a snack tray of individually wrapped Little Debbie white trash desert treats and candy, proving that he's functionally a giant seven year old and Carol was wading into a legal gray area if she gets his pants off.
I ran through the plan with him. I'd head out to a movie, and if I got back to the neighborhood about eleven pm and saw the curtains drawn, I'd know Balki was getting after it. I'd give him a one-ringer from the coffee shop to let him know he had twenty minutes to finish up doing... whatever he planned to do to her, and hopefully clean up a little before I got back.
The doorbell rings. Balki swings it open dramatically to reveal Carol, a tall, stunning blonde dressed in some kind of silk teddy and matching shawl, with big sparkly earrings and her hair done up all fancy. She kind of looks like a prostitute who tried to dress up for a night at the opera without enough guidance.
*Note to self: movie idea. Prostitute with a heart of gold becomes romantically involved with busy millionaire, and hijinks ensue.
Anyway, so Carol is a stunner as advertised, but I can't figure out for the life of me why she's dressed like that to come over and study unless OH MY LORD BALKI HIRED A PROSTITUTE WITHOUT KNOWING IT. He's had some close calls before - did it finally happen? She starts crawling all over him right in front of me, and says all the girls at school are crazy about him.
I tried to make a little small talk with Carol, who pretty much told me straight up that she's a gold digger within four seconds. She deflected any talk about Balki at all and said "let's talk about you," all naughty-like. She said she had heard I was a photographer - and since I own a camera, I just rolled with it - and she asked if I could get her into a modeling agency. Then she made it extra clear that "nudity is no problem" and winked.
Balki came back from the kitchen right before I found out how far Carol was willing to take this. She got up off the couch and said she had to go; her mother was in the hospital. Balki offered to compile their notes for her, so she kissed him on the cheek and was out the door in a blur.
A ha.
It all came into clear focus. Carol came by long enough to put Balki to work for her and see if I might be into a little hump-for-connections arrangement (the answer is yes), then take off to whatever slightly higher class date she was all tramped up for.
I tried to put it delicately to Balki that Carol is working him over. This life lesson served as an opportunity for me to dredge up more buried trauma from my life in Madison, so I told him about how a girl named Misty figured out I was really good in algebra back in high school and ran the same game on me. Everyone in school was laughing behind my back because they knew she was using me to get a good grade. At the end of the semester she dumped me and broke my heart.
I should mention Misty's commitment to a good grade in algebra was pretty over the top. I mean, I probably would have helped her if she'd just been nice and flirted with me a little, but she engaged in a semester long, monogamous romantic relationship purely for a good grade in math. I can't even really get that mad about it.
While I'm on the subject, I have a question: what is this full grown woman's motivation for taking an adult ed American History class that she doesn't seem interested in in the first place? She said she needs to take it to get her high school diploma, but nothing about what I just learned suggests Carol is pursuing honest employment that requires a base level of education. Also she pretty much offered to do me if I could get her into a modeling agency, so why does she care so much about getting her diploma if she really wants to be a model? What are the stakes for Carol here? None of this makes any sense to me. I can only guess that she's just one of those people who just spreads it around, and tries to keep as many options open as possible.
And another thing: can you imagine what kind of free-for-all, hopeless, anarchic monkey shit-fight this class must be for BALKI to be the smart one? We're witnessing the end of the American Empire, my friends.
Anyway.
Balki didn't get the hint, so I got more direct with him and told him Carol is using him, and he got all pissed off at me and rubbed in my personal cold streak with the females. He got right in my face and said I was jealous, and called me "Mr. Lonely Guy." I felt that strange wave of euphoric anger wash over me; that feeling you get when you know you're about to let go of your manners and let 'er rip, that you're going to stop being polite and start getting real (*note to self: great tagline for a TV show). I threw up my hands and told him he was on his own, and to remember my warning when she breaks his heart, then stormed off to my room.
Two weeks later this little side-show was still playing out. Carol was now habitually telling Balki that she loved him. But I had reason to feel good, because I knew it was the last night of their history class and they had to turn in their term papers; so Balki was just a few hours away from having his heart shattered into a million pieces, and I'd be there to soak up his misery, to drink his tears and to spit "I told you so" into his face until my voice quit on me.
So Balki told me after class he was going to ask Carol to go steady with him, and he was going to give her his great grandmother's priceless emerald broach. For more than 200 years, every first-born Bartokomous son gives the broach to the woman who steals his heart.
I couldn't let that happen. I knew for sure that Carol would take the pin and pawn it in a heartbeat, and that was MY plan once Balki inevitably died! Or for the version I'd put in the press release, "I couldn't let him give up a family heirloom to a sociopathic gold digger blah blah blah, best friend blah blah blah."
I tricked Balki into handing over the broach and ran away with it. He chased me around the house, and I finally convinced him to let me hold onto the pin for 24 hours. If Carol said she would go steady with him, I'd give him the pin and my blessing.
Jennifer came over later that night, out of nowhere. Since Balki had recently rubbed my nose in my lack of any dates whatsoever in more than a month, I'm not sure what my status with her is right now? So I was preparing a "feel better, little guy" ice cream sundae for when Balki got home after being dumped, and waiting for him to trudge in the door knowing I had been right all along.
Jennifer got all hot and bothered and said I'm a great friend. I told her I can be more than a friend, and she physically recoiled in fear.
Friend zone, got it, message received.
Balki burst in, singing and dancing up a storm and stomping around the room shouting. Jennifer just kind of walked out of the apartment without saying hello or good bye to him, and left me with the potentially coked up Mypsosian Romeo. He told me I was all wrong and Carol said she would go steady with him. Although I was a little disappointed in seemingly being wrong, I was legitimately happy for Balki. I apologized for being wrong and gave him his grandmother's broach and my blessing.
Then Balki talked more, and I realized a fundamental misunderstanding had taken place.
It turns out Carol had laughed in his face when he asked her to go steady. Balki didn't get the hint so she gave him some standard blowoff lines about how she was going to be super busy and was changing her phone number and he should just sit tight until she calls him.
I tried to explain to Balki that she was putting him off, and as you'd probably expect he lit me up again. I told him to call her, and he did, and she must have had more important shit to do because she cut him loose pretty quick.
Being unquestionably right in an argument with Balki is quite possibly the most enjoyable sensation I can have.
Balki slumped against the wall sobbing, and told me I was right all along, and oh my goodness gracious it felt amazing. I was the bigger man of course, and offered him comfort. He sat on the couch seething, and declared he would never fall in love again, then he started REALLY wailing and moaning. I mean this was a two week thing, let's turn down the drama a little bit Tennessee Williams. I told him to keep his chin up basically, and we hugged it out. We ended our night by wolfing down ice cream by a roaring fireplace.
But anyway, do you guys think old Carol would still put out for some free photog work though?
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